How to Build a Damn Bookshelf

January 18, 2012 at 11:54am | by Paul Scavitto

So you’ve finally decided that your obnoxiously large pile of unread Michael Jackson biographies and Jean M. Auel hardcover first editions needs a more fitting home than “beside the bed.” This is less due to any true interest on your part but more on account of the increasingly cold glares coming from your significant other.

There are several options that lay in front of you.

1) Yard Sale

Go to a yard sale and buy a bookcase and put it in your house. This is by far the lamest option but it does require a mild feat of strength and so should not be entirely disregarded.

And you might just run into the Most Interesting Man in the World’s mobile retirement plan...is that a flame thrower?

2) Pre-fab

Drive yourself to the box store of your choosing and buy a particleboard bookcase. Drive it home and assemble. This is only moderately less lame but it does offer the opportunity to throw around a large heavy box in front of impressionable cashiers, and when you get home your significant other will get to watch you using real tools. It should be noted though that assembling a pre-fabricated bookcase is “building” in much the way that Betty Crocker is “baking.”

Look I did it!

3) Build it:

Everything about this option is awesome. You get to buy wood.

That should be enough.

And like with all home improvement projects you are basically required to buy new tools.

Not really sure what this does but you should probably get one...you know, just in case.

And you get to talk about the frustration of creating something with your bare hands while walking around wearing your new tools.

And your sweet new carpenter tatt.

So now that you’ve settled on building this bookcase yourself (that being the only option for anyone with an ounce self-respect and honor), it is time to look down the path and breathe deeply the air of creation.

Step 1: The Idea

Anybody can build a simple bookcase. But only you can create an immovable piece of cyclopean household furniture that your family will be forced to live with long after you are killed in an act of ballad-worthy heroics. (More on that later.)

Lame...

Hells Yeah!

You’ll need to spend some time thinking up your grand vision. A true visionary does not cling to the backs of others and their “plans.” A visionary blazes new ground and laughs at the scorched earth that is left behind. This will not be a bookcase. It will be a testament to the molten inner flame of your determination. So find a place where you can do your best thinking.

Unless your thinking spot is completely ridiculous.

Now that you’ve got your idea it’s time to get to work fabricating dreams into reality. Your family is not ready for the bookcase that is about to happen to them.

Step 2: Build It

This part will vary as it depends on the scope, size and sheer audacity of the project you have envisioned. Key to making it through the construction is perseverance and the ability shrug off complaints of noise, smoke, and questions like “When do we get to use the living room again?”

Why is everyone screaming?

With that being said it is not a bad idea to consider purchasing a drum of industrial grade acid and/or a sand blaster for any inevitable clean up.

Step 3: Dealing with the Inevitable Praise

It will be difficult handling all of the endless praise that pours your way but you must find a way to power through. It would be unfair to the others that wish to laud your foresight and tenacity. It is not inappropriate to have prepared a few words thanking the little people who supported you through the months of construction, deconstruction and reconstruction.

You’re welcome.

Considering the vast pecuniary and temporal commitment this project has extracted from your family, you would be remiss not to lead them on a guided tour of the bookcase’s proper use and upkeep. They might forget to take notes or video tape the instructions so a gentle reminder might be in order.

Step 4: Enjoy it!

While this step seems self explanatory a brief discussion will cover some common misconceptions.

This is a bookcase and not a collector for everything that someone puts down. If you had wanted to build a “Whatever the Hell you Drop Out of Your Bookbag Case” you would have done so. This is a bookcase and thus implicit in its name is its call to action. A polite sign is often adequate to help a family through the process of transition.
Finally, bask in the unending and deserved glow of a job well done — but be vigilant and suspicious of those that would do your creation harm. Jealousy is a wild and untamable beast and it must be aggressively guarded against.